The Oh-So Forbidden Chapter

Elephas maximus indicus (That’s science talk for an Indian elephant.)

It came to me in a dream.

For months, I forced myself into self-pity. The Colombian was supposed to be THE one. Damn it, I knew it, and I was still waiting for him to make a GIGANTIC romantic gesture to apologize for his stupidity. I came home a total wreck. Everyone who knew where I had gone and why I went, must have felt an overwhelming desire to ask me how it went, because they all freaking asked me. Why do you all care? It was embarrassing enough to be left standing alone in the middle of an airport by the man you thought you could have loved, but then the embarrassment turns to death when you have to relive those heart-stabbing stories (Is anyone else rolling their eyes yet?). I was devastated.

I had gone to a country by myself at twenty-two, having never traveled solo, to pursue something much bigger than I could have ever understood at that time. With the idea of love in my head and nothing in my heart, I ran with open arms to a man that wasn’t a man. He was still just a little boy and I was just a naive little girl who had gotten lost in the idea of romance, completely and utterly lost.

Since returning home from Colombia, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep at night and when I did, I would sleep until mid-afternoon. I was frustrated, letting my head swirl with all of the cryptic words and facial expressions the Colombian had made towards me. It was like I was on autopilot, my days were emotionless—school, work, workout, repeat. I wanted nothing to do with the world and, true to my self-deprecating character, I deleted all forms of social media. I couldn’t bear to see Colombiano or his family. Ahhh, that’s so sad…tell us more. All I could think of when I saw them was a wasted love. (Note: I’m a fucking drama queen.) Get over it. Nothing fazed me during the day but at night I was alive, it was as if I purposely wasn’t allowing myself to sleep and as though I had forbidden myself to dream. (I’m being serious right now.) My pathetic, pitiful solo act went on for two months until clarity, in the form of my spirit animal, came to me in a dream. And now, I am like every other dumb-bimbo-wannabe-yogi. 

It finally happened in the wee hours of the morning. I remember waking up from the most far-fetched dream and thinking, what the fuck is wrong with you? But before I tell you my dream, you must know that my dream brought me to my spirit animal which unfortunately for me is like every other emaciated, southern California girl’s spirit animal. I would also like to preface that I did extensive research on my dream since it was the most vivid dream I have ever had (which consisted of me Googling my dream and clicking on the first two links that explained it), so my dream and spirit animal have to be the truth. Right?

My dream: A zoo, I was in a zoo. The day was arid and the sand pits in the animals’ enclosures quenched with thirst. I had been wandering around aimlessly through the completely vacant zoo—not a soul, human or animal was anywhere to be found in the eerily post-apocalyptic-looking zoo. But somehow, I managed to stumble upon an Indian Elephant’s cage.

There she was, this adorable young Indian elephant. Her skin was mostly pink but freckled with charcoal black spots. She was all alone in this giant cage, no one to accompany her. I almost felt sorry for her but then I saw it, she wasn’t sad. She was playing with a giant bucket of water, inhaling the water through her trunk and then spraying herself with her snot water. She looked up at me as I approached her area, almost smiling as I came closer. It was as though she was coaxing me into her enclosure.

So, I did it…I went in and as I drew closer to her, she rolled over onto her back like a little puppy wanting her belly to be rubbed. I was giddy with excitement seeing as I had never been that close to a baby elephant, let alone played with one. I dropped to my knees and began rubbing her tummy. She was loving it, kicking her legs back the way a dog does when you hit their “spot.” Her spot just so happened to be smack-dab in the middle of her belly; in fact, it was her belly button.

She was going crazy, kicking her legs, and every now and then, letting out this little trumpeting noise. I was laughing so hard. She looked like she was having a blast and loving every moment of this belly rub, so I felt obligated to rub her tummy harder and faster…Whoa, did that excite her all the more! Now she was blasting her trumpet sounds. I kept rubbing…and rubbing…and rubbing…and then—SPLOOGE. She splooged all over my hand! White, gooey, liquidy mess covered my hand and her belly.

Just then, in that splooge-filled moment, I awoke from my dream. Honest to god, I woke up saying, “What the hell?” What kind of pervert am I? It was then that I realized, I had jacked off a baby elephant in my dream. That she wasn't a she but in fact a he and his bellybutton wasn't an outie but a dwarf-sized elephant penis. I was mortified and thought I had gone completely mad and my mind was trying to tell me about a long-buried, sick, sick bestiality fetish. Oh god, I’m tainted…slay me and my elephant-jacking-off hand. 

I couldn’t move from my bed. I kept replaying the dream in my head. It was so realistic. What is wrong with me? Finally, I moved. I grabbed my phone and input elephant sex dream. (Note: Don’t ever do that…really weird stuff comes up.) Then I broke it apart, elephant dream and then sex dream. Some interesting stuff definitely came up, but this time it actually made some sense to me.

Excuse me as I get a little weird: Elephant dreams are often considered to represent power, knowledge and/or prosperity. Apparently when elephants come to you in a dream, it is a message to yourself that you can deal with any obstacle in front of you. However, I learned upon further research that elephants are also associated with your root chakra, which gives you the message of being a provider. Furthermore, they are known in the chakra world to charge through blockages (which I took this as a sign that my sacral chakra—that’s your sex chakra—was blocked). So to sum it all up, my dream meant that it was time for me to move on from my sad, Colombiano-less life. So I did. It was time for me to be a man-eater. (Just kidding…kind of.)

So when I say, “it came to me in a dream,” I mean it. I was able to get over Colombiano all by jacking off an elephant IN A DREAM. It was weird, kinky and oh-so wrong, but that dream was like a wakeup call for me…(I mean figuratively, although it literally did wake me up) and as lame and yogic as this may sound, I took my baby elephant groping dream to heart and knew that it was time to let it all go. That I couldn’t waste away, mourning over some guy who obviously never took me seriously, in the first place.

Colombiano was just a little boy, too immature to process his own emotions and know who he was himself. He needed a woman to give him purpose, a woman to hold his hand through the world as a security blanket and I couldn’t be that woman—I was and am too independent for him. He needed a woman exactly like his “ex,” the kind of girl that allows a boy to constantly go on “breaks” with her while he figures out that he isn’t nearly as independent and creative as he thought (and I had already been through that with Hottie with the Body). I lived and I learned through Colombiano, and now, it was time to move on from him. I wasn’t ready to put up my social media again, but I was ready to get back on the saddle and ride some men. Giddy up.