So, where do I start…

I’m twenty-five, I graduated from UCLA, I’m a self-proclaimed recluse (some days), I quit nearly every “reputable” job I get (according to my mother), and I’ve never had a real relationship (up until recently). I don’t talk to my father. In fact, I don’t even call my father, “my father.” I call him by his real name, which I won’t mention here since I don’t want to taint my page with the many taints he tainted my family’s name with. Shall I preface that I’m boldly sarcastic and unfiltered? Come to think of it, this is probably a defense mechanism that I developed over time to avoid people understanding and feeling the things that weigh heavy on my soul.

Why do I feel the need to publicize this? To a world of complete strangers, I want to spill my guts?! I guess in this world full of uncertainty and bitterness, we’re ruminating with confusion and pre-conceived notions of who we should be. Well, I am, at least and I have struggled this struggle for many years. Fuck, I’m still struggling. 

I suppose I’m writing all of this down as a means to inspire some girl somewhere who feels like she isn’t pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, skinny enough or powerful enough. Girl, before I go any further, you must understand: You are ENOUGH. Feel empowered to dream big, to be free, and to be just you. Sometimes life deals us the shittiest of cards and we feel as though there is no way to move past it. (Trust me, I’m speaking from experience…A LOT of experience.) We pressure ourselves into finding “true love,” only to find that he’s a warty toad. We burden ourselves with money over happiness. And we fight against our inner voices until we no longer know what the real us sounds like.

You’re in pain? Your soul hurts, your mind races and your nights are sleepless? I’ve been there, sometimes I still am there. I’ve been you and I am you. For years I marinated in the bitterness of hatred that saturated my soul. And although hindsight is 20/20, I wish then that I knew what I know now. I wish that back then I would have listened to the greatest woman that the world has ever known and heard what she said when she told me to stop trying to fix it––just live it. Take it one day at a time. Don’t think about the sadness and mistakes of yesterday or the anxieties and uncertainties of tomorrow, be in the now of the moment that you are breathing in.

So, your dad’s a worthless drunk? Your family has to scrape pennies together to buy groceries? You have no friends? You’re failing math? You hate your body? Wonderful. Now, who are you? What have you done today for yourself? What makes you feel good? Go do it.

I promise you, minuscule moment by moment you will feel pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, skinny enough and powerful enough. Don’t listen to the world, listen to you because you are ALWAYS ENOUGH.

Dax Marie4 Comments